I sit here and think about that soon, you will be sixteen.
Somehow that does not seem possible, yet, I know- from seeing the young woman you are, that it is.
I know, there is no gift I could buy you, no trinket, no toy, no gadget, nothing that I have not tried to share or provide with you, that I can give you right now. I have tried; no gift I have sent has been sufficient. No amount of time I've had or shared has been enough. Nothing I have done or offered has been what you wanted.
I know, that with the nature of our relationship, the struggles and challenges we have had, and the difficulties and changes we undergo now, that your soul is working on it's own right now, and nothing that I do or say has much impact- maybe later, but not now.
I know you think things of me that aren't true...and that you've been given a warped and unfavorable side of things for a long time. I am both at fault and innocent- at fault that I've not been there to show you how I am, and innocent in there is nothing I can say that changes how things are. I also know that right now....it's easier for some people, and perhaps you; to have a negative view of me- thus removing your need for your mother, any desire to be with me, or to enjoy having a relationship with me. I don't agree, but I try to respect and understand. It is simpler for you and others to just have that view, and I will have to hope someday your view changes.
I know some people are less-inconvenienced by giving a false account, a false perception. I know that some people glean a twisted sense of satisfaction that they have influence over you, and your perceptions. I also know that you're my child, and even as you may fight it, you are me- in so many ways- I know you will see your way through the fog to the clear skies, and make up your own mind.
Now, and until then, and even every day after- I will offer you what I have offered you from the day I found out I was carrying you- my unconditional, irrevocable love.
I realize that this may seem insignificant now- and while I won't apologize, I will rest in the consolation that at some point in the future, you will see it's value.
I will remain, as I always have, a rock- which you as a growing girl, and now a young woman, act as the ocean upon-
At times you will be calm and come to me as such, and we will work in harmony.
At times you will be angry or excited and you will crash upon me, and I feel the most important thing isn't to try to stop you, or to move you, but rather to just stay where I am, and not move, so that when you find the calm again, I'm right where you left me. Waiting.
I wish I could tell you that you will have an experience like Cinderella, and that at the stroke of time where you were born, when you are 16, that things change magically and it's everything you want it to be.
Unfortunately, the change will be much more gradual, and it will take you double the time you have had on this earth, to see some of the differences.
I can say this; that from this point in your life, and in gradual increasing measures over the last few years, you are where you are choosing your course in life.
Decisions you make, they may seem small, or trivial, or momentary now- and you won't know until you're much further into them;
Some will last moments, and some will have lingering effects, and some- will stay with you forever.
The magic, if you will, is not knowing which of these things, these choices, will result in which length or duration of outcome.
Some of these things will be pleasant, and some will challenge you in ways you can't yet understand.
You, my child, are one of my decisions made long ago, and I had no idea at the time that sixteen years later- I would be looking at what I am looking at now. I know, dear baby girl, you will come to this point, and your own hindsight view, someday.
I will promise you this- that unlike my own mother- I have never regretted having my children, and as that rock I must be- I will take what you throw at me. Unlike my own mother; I will never tell you I wished I hadn't had you just because motherhood isn't what I imagined it would be when I was younger. I am- to this day- proud to no end that you are my daughter. No. Matter. What.
You are my creation.
Of all the things I have done in my life, and all the choices and decisions I have made, and rest assured I have made good and bad-
You, and your sister- are my greatest accomplishments, for the fact simply that you are. Simply that you breathe, that you move, that your heart beats.
You have exceeded my expectations and made me proud every moment since.
You will never be a disappointment to me. You will never be anything but my proudest achievement in this life.
Happy Sweet Sixteen, my beloved child. I am thinking of you, as I do every day..... with every beat of my heart.
-Mom
Somehow that does not seem possible, yet, I know- from seeing the young woman you are, that it is.
I know, there is no gift I could buy you, no trinket, no toy, no gadget, nothing that I have not tried to share or provide with you, that I can give you right now. I have tried; no gift I have sent has been sufficient. No amount of time I've had or shared has been enough. Nothing I have done or offered has been what you wanted.
I know, that with the nature of our relationship, the struggles and challenges we have had, and the difficulties and changes we undergo now, that your soul is working on it's own right now, and nothing that I do or say has much impact- maybe later, but not now.
I know you think things of me that aren't true...and that you've been given a warped and unfavorable side of things for a long time. I am both at fault and innocent- at fault that I've not been there to show you how I am, and innocent in there is nothing I can say that changes how things are. I also know that right now....it's easier for some people, and perhaps you; to have a negative view of me- thus removing your need for your mother, any desire to be with me, or to enjoy having a relationship with me. I don't agree, but I try to respect and understand. It is simpler for you and others to just have that view, and I will have to hope someday your view changes.
I know some people are less-inconvenienced by giving a false account, a false perception. I know that some people glean a twisted sense of satisfaction that they have influence over you, and your perceptions. I also know that you're my child, and even as you may fight it, you are me- in so many ways- I know you will see your way through the fog to the clear skies, and make up your own mind.
Now, and until then, and even every day after- I will offer you what I have offered you from the day I found out I was carrying you- my unconditional, irrevocable love.I realize that this may seem insignificant now- and while I won't apologize, I will rest in the consolation that at some point in the future, you will see it's value.
I will remain, as I always have, a rock- which you as a growing girl, and now a young woman, act as the ocean upon-
At times you will be calm and come to me as such, and we will work in harmony.
At times you will be angry or excited and you will crash upon me, and I feel the most important thing isn't to try to stop you, or to move you, but rather to just stay where I am, and not move, so that when you find the calm again, I'm right where you left me. Waiting.
I wish I could tell you that you will have an experience like Cinderella, and that at the stroke of time where you were born, when you are 16, that things change magically and it's everything you want it to be.
Unfortunately, the change will be much more gradual, and it will take you double the time you have had on this earth, to see some of the differences.
I can say this; that from this point in your life, and in gradual increasing measures over the last few years, you are where you are choosing your course in life.
Decisions you make, they may seem small, or trivial, or momentary now- and you won't know until you're much further into them;
Some will last moments, and some will have lingering effects, and some- will stay with you forever.
The magic, if you will, is not knowing which of these things, these choices, will result in which length or duration of outcome.
Some of these things will be pleasant, and some will challenge you in ways you can't yet understand.
You, my child, are one of my decisions made long ago, and I had no idea at the time that sixteen years later- I would be looking at what I am looking at now. I know, dear baby girl, you will come to this point, and your own hindsight view, someday.
You are my creation.
Of all the things I have done in my life, and all the choices and decisions I have made, and rest assured I have made good and bad-
You, and your sister- are my greatest accomplishments, for the fact simply that you are. Simply that you breathe, that you move, that your heart beats.Beyond that- beyond that first breath you took, the first time you opened your eyes, that first second you split from my body and became your own---
Regardless of anything you have said, done, felt, thought or acted upon.
You will never be a disappointment to me. You will never be anything but my proudest achievement in this life. These are the things I can give you now, and always- my love, my appreciation, my support, and my never-wavering awe of you.
-Mom
October 20, 2009 10:02 PM
I read this blog through a RT by @miahysteria. Like you, I have a mother who has always viewed me as a burden. Your daughter is so lucky to have you as her rock- Steady. Constant. Solid. She has no idea what she has. I don't know your story and I don't know your dynamic but I can only imagine how painful it is to have your own child not want to speak to you. I have a six month old and am in blissful, new-mom heaven. I hope that we are able to reach her teen years in one piece!
Much love to you, Sarah